Positive language is a tool with an enormous potential to reduce conflict, improve communication and inculcate the right attitude. It is even capable of changing an individual’s line of thought. However, Positive language needs to be put into practice.
Take the lesson below to learn about how you can communicate in a more positive manner that is more likely to elicit cooperation rather than an argument or confrontation. And remember to take the quiz at the end of the lesson too.
This is Sushmita, a new business owner. Sushmita had been trying to register her new business at the local government office. She had submitted the relevant forms and had received a docket number for her request. That was two weeks ago, but Sushmita has heard nothing since then.
She’s revisited the registration office. Let’s see how this conversation pans out.
Government Official: Yes, what I can do for you?
Sushmita: I am trying to register my business. I filled out the forms three weeks ago, but I haven’t heard anything from your office.
Government Official: What’s your docket number?
Sushmita gives it to the official. The government official accesses the application on their system.
Government official: (looks at his system, and half reads out the note there) “Ma’am, we regret to inform you that we couldn’t process your application because you neglected to provide sufficient information. Some sections of the form you filled in were incomplete. (Searches a pile of papers) Here is your original form. Please complete ALL sections of the form this time and return it to us.”
Sushmitha: Neglected? What sections did I leave incomplete?
Government Official: It says here on my system that you missed out two signatures, and you did not provide attested copies of your business papers missing.
Sushmita: I didn’t provide!? Why wouldn’t I ….you know what … Your forms need to be clearer and more specific. Why didn’t anyone call me about this before? It’s been three weeks…
Government Official: Sorry Ma’am. We use the same forms for everyone registering businesses. And we don’t call customers from here. We only send out intimation by mail, which was done.
Sushmita: (rolls her eyes) Well, I didn’t receive anything in the mail.
Government Official: (smiles politely and Says nothing)
Sushmita: Provides the missing signatures and produces the missing document. “Here. The completed form..”
Government official: (Takes the form, checks it quickly and nods approval) Thank you, ma’am. We’ll keep you posted on developments.
Sushmita mumbled a cursory ‘thank you’ and walked away. The next day, she still felt strongly enough to write in a complaint letter about what she construed to be poor service and treatment from the government official.
But had the official done anything wrong here? Afterall, Sushmita had indeed overlooked a couple of signatures and had failed to provide some documents as well.
Was Sushmita being unfair in her criticism of the official? And why had she been unable to shake off that conversation, even a day later?
There’s a good reason why.
Why do negative comments and conversations stick with us for so long?
A sharp remark from a customer service professional, a disagreement with a colleague, a fight with a friend – the sting from any of these can make you forget a month’s worth of positive strokes. You’re likely to remember and internalize negativity far more than you would the positive.
Neurochemistry plays a big role in this phenomenon. When we hear negative comments such as criticism or rejection, our bodies produce higher levels of cortisol, a hormone that shuts down the logical center of our brains and activates survival behaviors. We become more reactive and sensitive. We perceive even greater judgment and negativity than what exists. And these effects can last in our body for twenty-six hours or more, imprinting the interaction on our memories and magnifying the impact it has on our future behavior. Cortisol functions like a sustained-release tablet – the more we focus about our negativity, the longer the impact lasts.
This would explain why Sushmita decided to complain.
Now, positive comments and conversations produce a chemical reaction too. They help release oxytocin, a feel-good hormone that elevates our ability to communicate, collaborate and trust others. But oxytocin disappears from our system quicker than cortisol, so its effects are less sustained.
This “chemistry of conversations” is why it’s so critical – especially for customer service professionals and people managers – to be more mindful about the words they use.
We must learn to use positive language in our interactions.
Consider the following examples.
1. ‘You failed to provide the information, so we cannot help you here.’
2. ‘You claim that you sent us the quote, but we cannot find it. No doubt you’ll understand that we are unable to respond to you.’
In example 1, the tone of the sentence suggests the customer’s apparent carelessness has annoyed the speaker.
In example 2, the use of the phrase ‘You claim’ suggests the speaker thinks the customer is lying. The phrase ‘No doubt’ smacks of sarcasm.
Positive language is the antidote to providing our customers and stakeholders with such an experience, and here is what it looks like in action:
1. Avoid ‘you’ statements. Use ‘I’ or ‘We’ statements, instead
‘I’ statements are statements where the speaker is indicating her or his difficulty at something. ‘You’ statements, on the other hand, point out to a lapse or error on the customer’s part. ‘You’ statements, consequently, they sound accusatory.
So, the statement ‘You failed to provide the information…” can be rephrased as “I haven’t received the information as yet”
And the statement “You claim that you sent us the quote, but we cannot find it,” can be rephrased as “I hear you when you say you’ve sent the quote. We just can’t seem to locate.”
2. Emphasize what you (or your company) can do (and not what cannot or will not happen)
Show a willingness to help.
Both these examples contain negative words such as ‘cannot’ and ‘unable’ and are bad practice in business. This is poor communication practice.
A positive reworking of the two examples might run as follows.
‘If you can send it to us we will help… ‘
‘If we could get a copy of the quotation, we’ll be able to….’
By focusing on what you will do or what will happen, you leave a more positive impression on the recipient’s mind. It results in a little oxytocin burst in their mind and consequently leaves them with a better experience of interacting with you.
3. Highlight positive consequences
Instead of focusing on the mistakes of the past, and the stalemates it involves, it might be better to focus on positive future outcomes.
So, for instance, ‘We cannot help you on this occasion’ sounds like a conversation ender – one that leaves the customer hanging. Faced with such an outcome, customers will likely get defensive and/ or retaliate.
However, if you focus on what can happen if the customer complies with your request, it offers the customer a sense of hope. That line could thus be worded as ‘If we could get a copy from you, we’ll be able to process this transaction on priority, and minimize any time lost.”
Could positive language would have made a difference to the way Sushmita came away from that conversation we had seen earlier? Let’s pick up the conversation right where it began the last time:
Government Official: Yes, what I can do for you?
Sushmita: I have opened a new business and am trying to register the business name. I filled out the forms three weeks ago, but I haven’t heard anything from your office.
Government Official: I see. That’s a long time, you should have heard from us by now. I’ll check this for you. What’s your docket number?
Sushmita gives it to the official. The government official accesses the application on their system.
Government official: (looks at his system, looks back at Sushmita and says) “Okay, I see it! Ma’am, it appears we needed some important information to process your request, that we didn’t find on your form. We noticed that some sections of the form were incomplete.
Narrator: Notice there are no ‘you’ statements here. The official uses ‘I/We’ statements. This does not sound accusatory and does not provoke defensiveness.
Government official: (Searches a pile of papers) Here is your original form. I see there are two more signatures required, and if we could get an attested copy of your business papers, I’ll resume the process right away. Would you have those documents with you?”
Narrator: Here the official focuses on what they can do, not on what cannot be done.
Sushmitha: Oh! Well…yes…(signs the form and provides attested copies)…
Sushmita: (submits the form) You know, your forms need to be clearer and more specific. Why didn’t anyone call me about this before? It’s been three weeks…
Government Official: (Accepts the form) Sorry Ma’am. I’ll note your feedback on the form design and send it through the right channels. Currently, we only send out intimation by mail, which was done. I gather you haven’t received it at all.
Sushmita: (rolls her eyes) Well, no.
Government Official: (smiles politely and Says nothing) It’s terrible you’re going through this experience. But you’re with me now, and I’ll fix this for you. (Takes the form, checks it quickly and nods approval). That looks fine. I’ll put in a note on our system asking for our teams to process your case on priority, if possible, given the circumstances.
Narrator: And here the government official stresses on positive actions that could lead to reasonable positive outcomes.
Sushmita: (nods)
Government Official: Is there anything else I can help you with today?
Sushmita: No.
Government Official: Thank you, ma’am. And all the very best with your new business (with a smile)
Narrator: And the government finds an opportunity to deliver a positive statement, a healthy oxytocin dose.
Narrator: Sushmita muttered a cursory ‘thank you’ and walked away. The thought of a complaint letter never crossed her mind.
Using positive language in communication can potentially trigger a dose of oxytocin for the recipient. As a communicator, you really want this.
The alternative is negative language, that is uncaring, implies blame on the other person and, by contrast, can trigger negative emotions and responses from the recipient. And these effects linger well after the conversation is over.
So, here’s how to use positive language in conversation:
1. Substitute You statements with I statements
2. Always emphasize what you (or your company) can do to help
3. Stress positive actions and positive consequences that can be anticipated
Good luck with it!