Empathy in Communication II: Empathetic First Responses
As we pointed out in the previous lesson, only when empathetic listening has been practised, or at least attempted, should one consider verbally responding to the other person.
That said, framing a verbal response is no walk in the park. To prove this point, consider this conversation between a customer and a call-centre representative of a water treatment company.
Customer: (Gets through to a representative): Hello. You have to do something. Please. The drain in front of my house has backed up. There’s raw sewage spilling all over the street.
Service Representative: May I have your postcode, please?
Customer: The whole place is stinking to the high heavens. It’s a full-blown health hazard. There are kids living here.
Service Representative: Okay, no worries. What’s your post c…?
Customer: No worries? Did you just say ‘no worries’? It’s just the opposite, I assure you. Did you hear anything I said? I’m late for work as it is because I can’t very well wade in sewage to cross the street, can I? And the kids are miserable because of the stench. This isn’t my problem, to begin with; it’s yours. And here I am on the phone with you sorting it out for you.
Service Representative: Calm down, please. I need…
Customer: Don’t tell me to calm down, tell me…you know what?…Never mind. Can I speak to your supervisor, please?
What was wrong with the service representative’s first response?
In a nutshell, the service representative’s response lacked empathy, even though the service representative meant to help the customer in the given situation.
The Power of an Empathetic First Response
An empathetic first response is the first thing that you say to what the speaker has communicated. It is an acknowledgement of the speaker’s emotion or thought and conveys that you have understood them.
Empathetic First Responses facilitate better relationships and conflict resolution. In contrast, a lack of empathy in first responses translates to apathy and mundane, meaningless transactions at best, or unnecessary escalations at worst.
How to Frame an Empathetic First Response
When responding to people’s emotions – here are two important things to do to make the speaker feel understood.
1. Calling it Out – Identify the emotion you see, or the thought being manifested and verbalise it.
For example:
- The speaker has just described how angry they are about something. An empathetic first response in this case could be: ‘That’s upsetting’*
- The speaker has expressed disappointment in something. An empathetic first response in this case could be: “If I hear you correctly, you are saying that that you feel let down.”
- The speaker has approached you several times about steps of a process that they just can’t seem to get right. Consider saying, “I understand that the steps involved can often be confusing.”
- The speaker avoids committing to something whole-heartedly. Consider saying “You sound unsure.”
Calling out the emotion or thought offers you a dual advantage.
1. Done correctly, it conveys to the other person that you understand what they’re feeling or going through.
2. If you have read their emotion wrong, people will often correct you.
For instance, you might have said, “That sounds frustrating.” If the other person isn’t frustrated, they might say something like “It’s not so much frustrating as it is shocking.”
In this case, you can acknowledge the correction and proceed with the conversation.
2. Offer Validation and Respect – Once you have called out the emotion correctly, make it safe for the other person to feel the way they do. This involves communicating an honest appreciation or acknowledgement of what the other person is going through, and their right to feel that way. Offering validation sounds like this:
“It’s understandable that would feel…”
“Anyone in your place would do/feel the same…”
“I think it’s only natural you’d feel like that…”
In an environment that is perceived as safe, where there isn’t fear of being judged, people feel comfortable sharing information more openly.
With these two steps out of the way, you could then choose to Extend Support, wherever appropriate. Here’s where you discuss how you will engage in the situation, moving forward. For example, to extend support, one might say:
“I’m here to help or support you in any way I can.”
Here’s how the earlier conversation between the service representative and the customer might have panned out, had empathetic listening and first responses been practiced.
Customer: (Gets through to a representative): Hello. You have to do something. Please. The drain in front of my house has backed up. There’s raw sewage spilling all over the street.
Service Representative: That’s terrible. * And I hear the worry in your voice. Thanks for calling it in.
Customer: The whole place is stinking to the high heavens. It’s a full-blown health hazard. There are kids living here.
Service Representative (sounding concerned): * I can certainly appreciate the urgency here, Sir. I’d be just as aggrieved had I been in your situation. Could I take your postcode quickly? I’ll have a team sent over pronto…
Customer: Thanks so much. My postcode is xx-xxxx
Service Representative: Got it. You said xx-xxxx. * I’m dispatching a team of field technicians now. They should get there in about 15 mins.
Customer: Thanks. These things happen I guess. 15 mins, you said?
Conclusion:
A lack of empathy in first responses translates to apathy, leaving nothing but negativity in its wake. Empathetic responses, on the other hand, pave the way for greater depth and quality of conversations.
To formulate an empathetic first response
a. Call out the Emotion and
b. Offer Validation.
Doing so makes the other person feel understood and appreciated. One could then choose to extend support wherever necessary.
Remember though that empathetic listening, which we covered in the previous lesson, is the foundation on which empathetic first responses are crafted. Without empathetic listening to temper them, even the most articulate first responses will sound flat and at worst, patronising.
And as for the results – they’ll speak for themselves. You’ll see.
Please take the quiz below to proceed.
